Sound the alarm and put up the Nathan Chen bat signal— the 2022 Olympic Figure Skating Team Event medals will FINALLY be awarded on August 7 at the Paris Olympics1, exactly 2.5 years after the competition ended.
Didn’t I tell you this two months ago? I think so? But my brain is so atrophied in the humidity, that I can’t even tell you if I showered today. (I think so?)
Well, it’s officially official now because CAS reviewed Russia’s THREE appeals and determined them all baseless, clearing the way for USA and Japan to receive their gold and silver medals, respectively. Allegedly, the athletes are getting booked on flights as we speak.
No official response from the Russians, yet, though I imagine it will be something along the lines of, “We are disrespected! This is a pack of vile thieves and liars stealing from us because they know they cannot win against the best! What a great injustice and a pox on the soul of skating! We will know in our hearts that we are superior to all and they cannot break our spirit!”
Let’s see how close I am to the actual wording. I’d guess I’m close.
Meanwhile, some other guesses about reactions and what’s to come, just for fun:
NBC will create a half hour puff piece, checking in with the athletes and replaying highlights. They will preempt coverage of an actual summer Olympics event to share this in prime time. Probably something like badminton. Johnny and Tara will narrate.
Alexa Knierim has FOR SURE already made an appointment to get her highlights touched up. She will be on the TODAY show the next day. Her agent is already calling Jimmy Fallon. She will be READY.
Maddie Hubbell is like, “Whatever, I got married and had a baby since then. Do I have to wear my Beijing medal uniform? It doesn’t even fit anymore.”
NBC will interview Nathan Chen after the ceremony. He will say it’s, “awesome,” to finally have his medal. They will him pressure him to answer if he plans to return for the Milan Olympics and he will give his favorite non-answer: “I’m just really enjoying where I am in life right now.”
Vincent Zhou will write a poem about this ordeal and post it to his non-secret Instagram poetry account. It will be called, “The Tarnished Metal of Medal: the glittering track of tears that are not gold in the twilight of my dreams of youth” It will be three pages long. Evan Bates will be the only member of Team USA to “like” it because he seems like a nice person. Everyone else will be like, “I’m on a social media cleanse.” Also Alysa Liu will like it for the lols.
Madison Chock will lean over to Evan Bates and whisper that this is only their FIRST gold because they will win their SECOND gold in Milan. And he will tell her he is so tired. And she will smile and laugh, and he will sigh.
Nathan and Shoma Uno will take a post-medal selfie and break a particular corner of the internet. IYKYK.
Kaori Sakamoto will STEAL the show, I don’t know how. But she will. Wakaba Higuchi will egg her on.
Very much looking forward to this little burst of Olympic figure skating fun in the middle of summer. It’s kind of like when actors from a show you used to love show up in an Instagram post together, and it’s like you’re getting a secret bonus episode.
I’ll see you back here Sunday for our usual bi-weekly check-in! Until then, enjoy this reminder that this Janet Jackson, “Nasty,” program is now an Olympic gold medal winner. (click picture for video)
1
Well, some of the medals. Canada is still contesting the bronze medal, so only gold and silver will be awarded. In the re-tallying of points, CAS awarded bronze to Russia. And Canada was like, “Hold up— they should be COMPLETELY disqualified and WE should move up to fourth.” And CAS was like, “Well, only Kamila was disqualified.” And then Canada was like, “LOOK AT YOUR OWN RULES.” And CAS was like, “We are right always and will not be taking questions.” And Canada was like, “APPEAL! WE APPEAL.” So, now, CAS has heard their appeal and says they are still deliberating.
I saw someone on Twitter question why they would have the medal ceremony if they can’t award the bronze medal, yet. In my opinion, the answer is NBC. And the Japanese equivalent of NBC. And I guess it is also that the US and Japanese teams were deprived the medal ceremony at the Olympics while all of this was hot and sticky, but Canada was fourth and didn’t think they were getting a medal at the time. It is maybe also that CAS plans to award the bronze to Russia but it would be awkward to invite them to the Olympics right now while they are banned, so they’re just kicking the issue down the road.
